Dear Dream Girl,

First of all, no “Nightmare Girl” is beyond reform, you included. Your letter just broke my heart. First off, please stay in therapy for a while. You’re knee-deep in an incredibly destructive pattern right now. For some reason, it seems as though you believe at some level that you don’t deserve to be loved, so you sabotage your relationships either by picking unsuitable guys, creating problems or imagining them. The fact that you believe your boyfriends will treat you badly becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I think part of the reason you think your boyfriends are cheating on you is that you are cheating on them – guilt is a strange, strange thing. Here’s what I think you should do. Stop dating for a while, it seems like it only exacerbates your issues. Give yourself a chance to figure out why you don’t believe you deserve to be loved, and why you can’t trust people. Is it just men? Or is it everybody? If I had to venture a guess in the dark, I’d say you had suffered some sort of abuse, sexual or otherwise. Take a dating sabbatical – give yourself six months without a man, at least. In that time, go to therapy and really spend some time figuring out where the pattern started. Take good care of yourself. If you were sexually abused, read “The Courage To Heal.” In any case I want you to realize that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Really. You are not damaged goods. You are an amazing, wonderful person. You just need to believe in yourself. And eventually, in someone else.

Good luck, I’m pulling for you.

XO,
Lisa

Have a question for Lisa Daily? Leave a comment below.

Get more free dating advice from Lisa Daily & DatingExpert.TV!
Sign up for the free Dating Tips newsletter below and we’ll send you * * 5 Secrets to Make the Guys Go Gaga!* We never share or sell your info.

Related Articles:

What Your Favorite Pizza Topping Says About Your Lovelife

7 Unexpected Places to meet Great Men Over 40

Crash and Burn-ology: 6 Signs There Won’t Be a Second Date

ASK LISA! : She won’t stop calling my boyfriend!

VIDEO: How to Break Up Without Being A Jerk

Dating Coach and Relationships Expert Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of two dating books, Stop Getting Dumped!, How to Date Like a Grownup and the totally funny novel Fifteen Minutes of Shame. You’ve seen her everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the HITCH movie DVD.

Dear Dixie,

It’s a horrible feeling to break up with someone and then realize you’ve made a mistake. It’s like pushing your car off a cliff and then remembering you’ve left your purse in the back seat.

You broke up with this guy to pre-empt him breaking up with you, then you realized you didn’t really want to break up, and when he gave you signs he wanted to get back together you accused him of playing games. Then you argued, stopped talking and now he’s avoiding seeing you again. All you need now are some evil twins, a love child and a family fortune and you’d have an episode of The Young and The Restless.

Obviously, you’re missing him, but it seems that he’s moved on. And this, although it’s distressing to you, is understandable because you did, after all, break up with him. The fact that he’s not interested in seeing you again says that he’s either a) not willing to go down that twisty, confusing relationship road with you again or b) he’s moved on and is dating someone new. Let him go and move on with your life.

Clearly you’re hurt and confused. We all tend to romanticize relationships once they’re over, but you have to remember that before this whole emotional roller coaster took off you were feeling like you had to dump or be dumped. Not exactly an advertisement for a secure, wonderful, happy relationship. I think you’re having trouble moving on because you’re glossing over what was, instead of seeing it as the problematic, insecurity-producing, long-distance relationship that it was. Here’s what I want you to do: 1) Consider this your official break-up and start moving forward, and 2) make a list of all the problems in the relationship, all the big and little things you’re not going to miss. (Bodily noises, dirty gym socks and jealousy included.) It will help you focus on the fact that the relationship was far from perfect, and you’re probably better off now that it’s over.

Hang in there, girl. You’ll make it through.

XO,

Lisa

Have a question for Lisa Daily? Leave a comment below.

Get more free dating advice from Lisa Daily & DatingExpert.TV!
Sign up for the free Dating Tips newsletter below and we’ll send you * * 5 Secrets to Make the Guys Go Gaga!* We never share or sell your info.

Related Articles:

What Your Favorite Pizza Topping Says About Your Lovelife

7 Unexpected Places to meet Great Men Over 40

Crash and Burn-ology: 6 Signs There Won’t Be a Second Date

ASK LISA! : She won’t stop calling my boyfriend!

VIDEO: How to Break Up Without Being A Jerk

Dating Coach and Relationships Expert Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of two dating books, Stop Getting Dumped!, How to Date Like a Grownup and the totally funny novel Fifteen Minutes of Shame. You’ve seen her everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the HITCH movie DVD.

Be sure to tune in to Daytime on Tuesday, March 24 when I’ll be talking about 6 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Man

6 Things to Never Say to a Guy

This Tuesday on Daytime, I’ll talk about the taboo topics your guys doesn’t want to chat about.

(And no matter how close your relationship is, some conversations are better saved for your girlfriends, and some things are just better left unsaid.)

1) “We Need to Talk.”
Nothing puts up a guy’s defenses faster than those four little words. Why? No woman ever says , “We need to talk — I’ve been thinking you should play golf more often.” or “We need to talk — my hot supermodel friend is going to spend bikini season in our spare bedroom.” Guys associate we need to talk with trouble ahead.

What to do? If you do need to talk, just start right in. (Preferably in the car or on a walk, when you’ll have the best chance of making a connection.)

2) Celebrity Gossip
As shocking as it may be, your guy doesn’t care about who Lindsay or Britney or Madonna is dating, or whether or not Rhianna is planning on getting back together with Chris Brown. (just say no, sweetie.)

He doesn’t understand why you care. Not even a little bit.

3) Details about your Ex
I don’t watch horror movies for one simple reason — the gory images stay with me for weeks or months after the movie is over. The same thing is true for your guy and details about your ex.

If you happen to mention in casual conversation that your ex used to drive a ‘67 Mustang, that car will be driving around in his brain until the end of your relationship. Keep the details to yourself. Trust me on this one.

4) Your Food Issues and Your Jiggly Thighs and Your Big Fat Butt
The last thing you want to do is convince a guy who thinks you’re attractive that you are, in fact, not. Guys not only don’t want to hear about your latest diet. They don’t want to hear about how terrible your body is. They just want to see you naked. And most of them will die happy if they never ever have to answer the question, “does this make my butt look big?”

5) “Size Doesn’t Matter”
Uttering these words instantly makes size an issue. Not just an issue, THE issue. Something that will nag him for the entirety of your relationship. The correct answer to any question where you might be tempted to proclaim that size is of no consequence is this, “darlin’, it’s perfect.”

6) “Nothing’s Wrong”
You stomp around, slamming cupboards and doors, waiting for him to apologize. When he asks, “sweetie, is there anything wrong?” you snap, “Nothing’s wrong.” Why? Because HE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW WHAT HE DID…

The bad news? He doesn’t know. He’s not psychic. And you acting like a petulant two year-old isn’t going to make him any smarter about your emotional issues. He’s just going to assume you have PMS, or that you’re COMPLETELY INSANE.

And the fact that you’ve just lied to him about not being upset when you really are upset isn’t really going to help your case when you finally get around to discussing whatever it was that ticked you off in the first place.

Be responsible for your own emotions, and bring up any issues that are bothering you like a grown-up. It’s the best chance you have of resolving them.

Lisa

Lisa appears every week on Daytime, check your local TV listings for times and stations.

Get more free dating advice from Lisa Daily & DatingExpert.TV!
Sign up for the free Dating Tips newsletter below and we’ll send you * 5 Secrets to Make the Guys Go Gaga!* We never share or sell your info.

Related Articles:

ASK LISA : I can’t stop thinking about him!

7 Unexpected Places to meet Great Men Over 40

ASK LISA : He has a girlfriend but he’s flirting with me

Crash and Burn-ology: 6 Signs There Won’t Be a Second Date

ASK LISA : How can I stop FREAKING OUT?

Dating Coach and Relationships Expert Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of two dating books, Stop Getting Dumped!, How to Date Like a Grownup and the totally funny novel Fifteen Minutes of Shame. You’ve seen her everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the HITCH movie DVD.