Ask Lisa! Married Boyfriend is Divorced “In His Heart”

Dear Lisa,

I know what your stand is on dating married men, I feel the same way, but what about men who are not with their exes anymore? He hasn’t been with her for a long time but they haven’t officially gotten the divorce yet (but are definitely divorced in their hearts.) I don’t sleep with him but we love each other a lot. I would like him to be the one. He always said after his marriage breakup that he wouldn’t marry again but he seems to talk a lot about marrying me. I believe he really wants to marry me, he talks about popping the question. He recently said he knows that this year he has to get a divorce. (Money is what stops him.)

I want to do the right thing and either kick it up or eliminate him as a potential husband. He always expresses his fear that someone else is going to scoop me up if he doesn’t act. Can you please help me?

Waiting

Dear Waiting,

I hate to break this to you, but there’s not a state in the union that considers being “divorced in their hearts” anything close to actually being divorced. In fact being divorced in your heart is exactly the same as being married. Exactly.

I think you should be running from this man as quickly as possible. Why? First, he can’t marry you, he’s already married, and from what it looks like to me, this isn’t going to be changing anytime soon. Second, you say that he talks about marrying you and expresses a fear that someone else will scoop you up if he doesn’t act, but guess what? He doesn’t act. Last, if you hit that million-to-one shot and he does get off his $#%$, get a divorce and marry you, I’m sure you’d be spending your entire marriage wondering when he’ll be telling his NEW girlfriend that you and he are “divorced in your hearts.”

Dump him.

XO,
Lisa

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Dating Coach and Relationships Expert Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of two dating books, Stop Getting Dumped!, How to Date Like a Grownup and the totally funny novel Fifteen Minutes of Shame. You’ve seen her everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the HITCH movie DVD.