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Dear Lisa,
I have this deep admiration for a male co-worker of mine and he has confirmed that the attraction is mutual. We have known each other at work for almost two years now. We share the same interests and hobbies, and we have such good chemistry, it’s like a match made in heaven. We’ve had regular weekly coffee breaks after work but never went on “official” dates.
He has told me recently that he would like to develop our friendship, but I’ve rejected his suggestion because he is currently in a relationship with a girl he met a few months after having known me at work. I have asked him why didn’t he think of developing our friendship while he was still single and available back then, and he answered “he would only say he wasn’t sure I was such a nice girl.”
He keeps doing these sweet things for me that really touch my heart but I can’t figure things out by myself. Is he really interested in progressing further with me? What about his girlfriend? They have even gone off on a weekend vacation now. How should I react upon his return? I’m feeling jealous right now? Should I let him know I’m unhappy or just pretend I’ve felt nothing at all? Should I consider developing our friendship while he continues to progress with his girlfriend? What should I do? I think I’m already falling for this guy.
Please help me.
Office Romantic
Dear Office,
Man, guys like this just tick me off.
Hmm. You’re interested in a guy who has a girlfriend and he wasn’t sure that you were a nice girl. My guess is, he’s betting that you’re not a nice girl, and he’s trying to call in his chips. Clearly you have deep feelings for him, but let me tell you, all the signs for heartbreak city are pointing in his direction.
Let’s review the facts: He has a girlfriend. He’s not actually dating you. He doesn’t think very highly of you.
From my vantage point, this guy is only interested in having a fling with you. As in, you in addition to his girlfriend. If he really cared about you, or wanted to be with you, he would end his other relationship before he tried to start something with you. You, being of sound mind, are going to turn in the other direction and run. If I could be there in person, I swear I’d tie your shoes.
Stand up for yourself, girl! You don’t need to date anybody who is dating somebody else. Would you take a plate of Oreos after somebody had already licked off all the frosting? I don’t think so. Nobody deserves to be stuck with somebody else’s leftovers, and that’s just what he’s offering you – used cookies. Get it in your head that you are one fabulous woman and any man who wants to date you has to treat you with respect. Then, don’t settle for anything less. There’s one more thing I want you to think about: A guy who cheats on his girl with you will more than likely cheat on you with somebody else.
As for feeling jealous about his trips with his girlfriend — well, I know it hurts darlin’, but you’ve just got to pull yourself together. He’s somebody else’s boyfriend, despite how he’s acting. As for how you should act, you need to put on the face of someone who’s not particularly interested in the goings-on of somebody else’s love life.
Now that we’ve seen this cruddy little deal from your perspective, let’s also try to remember that it’s never a good idea to stab another woman in the back by dating her boyfriend. We girls have got to stick together. If we all went around treating each other like crap, we’d end up with nobody left for girl talk and shoe shopping.
You deserve better sweetie, find somebody who is.
XO,
Lisa
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Dating Coach and Relationships Expert Lisa Daily is the bestselling author of two dating books, Stop Getting Dumped!, How to Date Like a Grownup and the totally funny novel Fifteen Minutes of Shame. You’ve seen her everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the HITCH movie DVD.
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